One Woman is Too Many

One of today's trending news stories is the abduction and murder of a young British woman by a police officer as she was walking home.  It has sparked a hashtag war on social media between #NotAllMen and #TooManyWomen.

The Not All Men supporters are missing the point.  Yes, we understand that not all men are predators, but from a woman's perspective, they might as well be.  From an early age we are taught to not dress provocatively, to carry our keys in our fingers, to not go out after dark alone.  Why are boys not taught to not harass women?

Even the media narrative focuses on women.  "So many women were raped last year" instead of "how many times men raped women".  "How many girls were harassed" instead of "how many men harass girls". And so on.

Ask almost any woman and she will tell you a story.  I have many, starting from when I was FIVE.

I was in Kindergarten. A boy in my class chased me, and other girls, so he could flip their skirts and see their underwear.  Complaints to the teacher were met with the 'boys are boys' argument.  I never wore skirts to school again, except for my high school graduation.

When I was 12, two boys in my Grade 7 class bullied me regularly and stole my lunches when the teacher wasn't looking.  I complained and the teacher told me that they were only doing that because they 'liked' me.  I developed trust issues toward boys and men after that.

When I was 18 I was on the bus going to meet a friend.  A man sat next to me, tried to put his arm around my shoulders, and flirted with me.  I pretended I was deaf and signed some ASL, and he moved away.

I was 20, a friend of mine was getting married.  Her fiancé approached me one day, grabbed my hand and forced me to touch him, telling me that my friend 'didn't like to do that'.  I yelled and pushed him away.  When I told my friend what a sleaze her fiancé was, she didn't believe me and married him anyway. (They had a messy divorce a few years later.)

I was 22, my then-boyfriend had invited me to his place for a home-cooked dinner, and then expected something more afterwards.  I refused.  He pinned me down on his bed (he was a large man) so I couldn't leave.  He told me 'I'm raping you' and laughed when I tried to escape.  I had to bite him on the face to get him off me.

When I was 28, my then-husband would come up with any excuse to watch me get dressed, peek in on me when I was in the shower, and sneak up behind me for an unwanted tickle or grope.  When I protested, he would accuse me of not giving him enough 'attention'.  His demands nearly cost me my job, as I arrived at work late several days in a row after being guilted into giving him what he wanted early in the morning.  Our divorce papers cited irreconcilable differences, but the reality was that I had a nervous breakdown due to the sexual and emotional abuse.

Reaching a healthier mental state took years and two rounds of therapy with psychologists.

I'm proud to say that now I'm a much more confident woman, but the haunting memories will always reside in the back of my head.  I don't fear men, but I still find myself being careful.  It'll probably take a very long time, if ever, for women to not need to watch out for themselves at every step.